I’m sure I don’t like being unsure.
But, hey. It is honestly so rare when we know what is going to come next in life. So, why does it hit us at other times more than others? And how should we react… to our reaction? These are the questions that plague me at night.
Recently, and by recently I mean in the last year, I lost my best friends of three years, made completely new best friends, got a boyfriend, went through the most stressful time of my life– student teaching, realized I didn’t want to teach with two months left of my degree, pulled out of a job where I would live in Japan for a year two days after receiving the job description (which was three weeks before we were all going to leave)…
and applied for eight jobs.
I was so busy with school and life that I wasn’t even employed this year and yet, my life was harder to handle than ever. It felt like processing all of the changes was my full-time job and all of my paperwork was overdue and I had started none of it. But you can’t get fired from life, at least not for something like that. Life has strange expectations.
I applied to random jobs, jobs you don’t need a degree for– waitressing, mattress selling, cleaning.
I don’t know. I went from a situation where I felt like I had to lie about how much I hated my future career, then convinced everyone I loved it by applying to teach overseas, and then disappointed people by pulling out and then applying for jobs which require little expertise. I feel no shame in this. I won’t do this forever. I just want to do something I don’t have to think about for a while and pay the bills. Is that so disappointing?
I told my neighbors today that I wasn’t going to Japan because they asked when I was leaving. They were clearly very embarrassed to have asked. Why is it that way? Is it because I’m doing the unexpected?
The expected is clearly overrated…
I’ve been trying really hard to find out what makes me happy and doing this does– writing about life. But, it’s really hard to make a living off of something like this. It’s not like I don’t want to work. I like working and making a difference. I guess it’s just that adults always say when you are a child that you’ll do great things and feel so much passion for your work someday and I really don’t feel much of a passion for anything and I don’t think I’ve done great things– at least not the great things adults talked about.
I know I’m just starting out and I’m over-thinking so much of this. I guess I just thought that adult life would be so much different than it is– and again, maybe I am speaking too soon.
I know I am.
It’s just in school they make it seem like as an adult you will wake out of bed like this.
This hasn’t happened. Maybe that’s not life…
But hey, this is how I feel about it. And that is okay. So, react, children! It’s okay that literally nothing of your life is working out as planned because I’m honestly sure 99.99% of us feel like nothing is going right. And I’m sure our parents felt the same way at our age– and our grandparents.
So, freak out. Cry about nothing. Cry about everything. Cry about puppies in a cup.
And certainly break down from uncertainty. It’s the plague we all have in common.